October 14, 2018 by PWM




$5.00 BTL.


PORTLAND-A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Portland Mayor Kate Brown and leaked to us this Halloween, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating Zombie attack.  Insufficient emergency management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

    “When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel,” Adams said. 

     Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sandy Bauer downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered.  Bauer advises citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a “long term, even fun” refuge from zombies.

    Such assertions alarm zombiologist Spennie Olson, who calls FUMA’s information “hopelessly outdated.”

    Added Olson: “That FUMA trains its agents to shoot the zombies when Red wine from Chile works just as well, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is.”

      Olson, son of a Portland Wine Dispensary owner recommends that Portland residents prepare a “go-bag” containing at least a case of these California beauties.  The STB Meritage is a richly flavored red (Cabernet, Merlot & Syrah) that is chock full of black raspberry, ripe plum & cassis, that goes down smooth & mellow & the Chardonnay is the essence of ripe apples, peaches & a trip to the tropics.  And just in case you might throw in a Glock 17 and 50 rounds of ammunition.    If leaving the house is not an option, Olson advises residents to barricade all first-story doors and windows & call us 503.234.4399 & we will deliver!